You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
