The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
