What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
