I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
