I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
