youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
