is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
