will power is for people who don't want to get laid
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
