totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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