You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
