So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
