Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
