So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
