ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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