So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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