I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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