oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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