I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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