So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
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all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade