It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.