tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.