Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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