What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
