Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I currently don't understand fingers.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
