That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
