just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
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