Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
