Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You're like the curious george of whores
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
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