The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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