I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!