today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
