i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children