sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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