by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
