I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
