Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
