what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
