she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
