America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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