Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
