Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize