I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
