i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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