its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
