he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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