Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
