i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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