I hate all girls vehemently.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
