I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
