the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
