you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
