I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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