omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
