I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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