New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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