It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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