never play flip cup with pint glasses
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
