No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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